


I'm not sure I can be fixed.

by laCheshireCat



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Car Accidents, Depression, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-30 01:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19031842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laCheshireCat/pseuds/laCheshireCat
Summary: Returning home was certaity not what Clarke excpected it to be like. She imagined stepping off of the plane and just feeling like herself again. All her problems gone. But sadly that was just a phantasy. 10 years ago Clarke decided to leave. 10 years ago Clarke left her childhood home. Her friends, her family and her fiance. And why all that? Because Clarke runs whenever there’s a problem. She’s never run before like she did 10 years ago. And she regrets every part of it. But there’s no going back. There’s no turning back time. There’s nothing she can do to take it back. She needed time to heal.





	I'm not sure I can be fixed.

Returning home was certaity not what Clarke excpected it to be like. She imagined stepping off of the plane and just feeling like herself again. All her problems gone. But sadly that was just a phantasy. 10 years ago Clarke decided to leave. 10 years ago Clarke left her childhood home. Her friends, her family and her fiance. And why all that? Because Clarke runs whenever there’s a problem. She’s never run before like she did 10 years ago. And she regrets every part of it. But there’s no going back. There’s no turning back time. There’s nothing she can do to take it back. She needed time to heal. To recover. And because of that she lost sight of everybody else around her. She just needed to get away. No one knows why she ran. She never had the guts to tell anyone what a failure she is. She might never tell the whole truth but she trusts in hersef enough to know that she’s at least partly healed. Healed enough to face what she’s left behind. Maybe who she’s left behind.

Walking through the familiar streets of Arkadia, the small town she grew up in, brings back every memory she’s tried to surpress or deal with over the last decade. She’s had a good life groing up. Sheltered by her parents and not a single care in the world. Until that one day when her dad was killed in a car accident. In retrorespect, without this experience, Clarke would’ve never grown to the woman she is today. In fact she’d never have fallen in love with Bellamy Blake. The one kid in High School that didn’t give a fuck and just lived by his feelings. A boy who had to raise his sister on his own and had to grow up way to fast. When she couldn’t deal with her fathers death, he was the one who picked up the pieces. He was the one who showed her how to live again. And he is the one she fears to see most in this whole town. A car honks at her and Clarke has to leap out of the way, almost being run over. She’s been so deep in thought that she hasn’t noticed the car approaching. Her breathing heavy she has to lean herself against the nearest building. The cold brick digging in here back grounding her again. Cars are not her thing. Everything bad that happened in her life happened because of cars. A fact she never seems to be able to shake. The last time she sat in a car herself was 10 years ago. The scars all over her body still reminding her of the twisting turn that drive took. Her and cars? Never going to happen. Slowly her breathing starts to even out, the world coming into focus again. Clarke looks across the street and notices old Murphy’s bar. The last time she was here the place was run down and closed. Now though the place looks as good as new. Sombody must’ve taken over the place after John’s dad drank himself to death. Clarke looks down at her phone. It is 5 pm. She shruggs her shoulders and carefully crosses the street. One drink of confidence couldn’t hurt. She’s planned to go see her mother at the hospital first but now walking through town even that feels like too much right now.

The bar looks really nice from the inside too. Really comfy with booths lining the sides, a few tables scattered across the room and the big wooden bar at the back looking just like the last time she was here. The new owner really took care of this place she thinks as everything was meticiously clean but it still has the charme of a dingy bar. Sitting down at the bar Clarke grabbs the menu and scanns through all the drinks they offer even though she knows she’ll order a whiskey anyway. Fully focused on the menu she doesn’t notice the bartender coming over. “Clarke Griffin? What the fuck brings you here?” a way to familiar voice snarles next to her. John Murphy, one of her closest friends when she left all those years ago is standing right in front of her.

“Murphy? You work at your fathers old bar?” Clarke stutters out in disbelief. Murphy always told her how he hated his dad and the job that ultimately made it so easy for him to ruin his life.

“Well I’m the owner actually and you seem to avoid my question Clarkey.” He emphasizes the nickname ‘Clarkey’ he had always used in an endearing way towards her. But now it makes her shiver uncomfortably. Murphy is one of the people she left behind in the dark and she can’t form the words she wants to tell him. “Relax Griffin! No need to freak out on me. I’m sure you’ve got your reasons to come back now. Come here!” Clarke breathes out a laugh and stands up to hug Murphy quite awkwardly over the bar. His warm embrace feels like home and she can’t help but surpress a sob. It’s been way too long since someone hugged her like this.

“Oh Murphy, I can’t even begin how sorry I am!” Murphy just holds her at an arms length and shakes his head.

“Don’t worry, all that matters is that you came back home.” Clarke sniffs her nose and nodds, clearly relieved by this welcome surprise. Never in a million years would she have thought to meet Murphy here. “So, what can I get you to drink today? Do you still drink that sweet sticky stuff from back in the day?”

“No, Murphy I do not! Maybe I got wiser with age.” She laughs and orderes her Whiskey which earns her an approving nod from her friend. She is so incredibly happy to still have someone she can call that. Being 35 and having a social circle of a stone doesn’t seem to help her at all. “What have you been up to and how in the hell did you become the owner of this bar?” She nurses the drink now standing in front of her and looks up at Murphy.

“Well I’ve been doing all sorts of stuff. Figured out colledge is not the thing for me.” Clarke has to chuckle at that because she knew that way before him, he just didn’t fit the category of someone who learns for years just to end up with a boring job. “Then I worked construction on and off for a few years and about 2 years ago I saved up the money to buy back this place from the bank and started to fix it up. And here we are, I’m a proud bar owner!” They chat on and off as a few more customers come in and Clarke is relieved that the most pressing toppic hasn’t come up so far. But to her luck the next time Murphy comes over he has that look on his face. The look that tells you to quit the bullshit and spill it. “So, why are you here now?” Clarke takes a shaky breath and swirls around the amber liquid in her glass. “Well, I thought it’s about time I come home.”

“Why did you leave anyways?” That’s the million dollar question Clarke just isn’t ready to talk about. At least not about everything.

“Well, you surely remember that car crash down on Princeton Road 10 years ago? Where a young woman was pushed off the street and wrapped her car around one of these old oak trees?”

“Yes, of course. That tree had to be removed shortly after because it might’ve fallen on the road. But what about it?” Murphy looks at her with such intensity in his eyes, that Clarke has to give him at least a bit of the truth.

“That woman in the car was me..” She whispers while clutching her glass leaving her knuckles white from the strain. It has taken her a few months to a year to even acknoledge to a therapist what had happened to her. She just couldn’t wrap her mind around what she lost that day in that car.

“Oh my god, Clarke! Why haven’t you told us? We could’ve all been there for you!” Murphy then pries her hands aways from her glass and smoothes them out inbetween his own warm and comforting hands. Clarke hopes he doesn’t know how close she is to having a panic attack. Pathetic, that just talking about an accident that happened 10 years ago still threatens to push her over the edge so qickly.

“That’s exactly the point. I couldn’t bear to see you guys after I… well after the accident. I just blamed myself. And I dont know, I sort of ran and didn’t look back for a few years. I’m so sorry! I know now that I should’ve told you at least were I was.”

“It’s okay Clarke, don’t stress over it. What’s done is done. I’m just happy, that you are well.”

“Yeah, I am. Just wish it wasn’t just me.” She mutters under her breath but Murphy doesn’t hear her, thank the lord. He was staring at something behind her back.

“Uh, Clarke? I hope I’m not the first person you visited here, right?”

“Well, actually…” Clarke turns around then and catches the eyes of someone she hoped not to see today. Or maybe for the next weeks or months. Those warm brown eyes still had the same effect on her, casting their spell and drawing her in. With panic on her face she turns back to Murphy. “What is he doing here?” Murphy massages the back of his neck awkwardly.

“It’s Thursday. Friends night?” He stutters out almost guilty looking that he forgot to tell her.

“You still do that? Oh shit. I can’t do that today!” It’s then that she notices his presence behind her, making her skin prickle.

“I’ll have a Whiskey neat. Make it a double, Murph.” His dark beautiful voice rumbles directly beside her. And with that none other than Bellamy Blake turnes away briskly and makes his way over to one of the booths where some of his friends are already waiting for him. Catching herself staring she turns around to Murphy with a painfully twisted expression on her face. Seeing Bellamy after all these years again was one thing. But being ignored so blatanty does hurt more than she cares to admit.

“Just breathe Clarke, just breathe. You’re going to be just fine.” She repeats her mantra over and over again. She’s dreaded this moment for years. Imagined every possible scenario except this one.

“Clarke, are your alright?” No Murphy, I’m not fine! I haven’t seen Bellamy in 10 years and I don’t even get a hello or any kind of acknowledgement. I’m just invisble to him.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.” She says instead and downs the rest of her drink. Stealing a glance over her shoulder she sees Bellamy sitting in a booth with Miller and a few others she doesn’t know. The thing she zeros in on though is his arm that’s slung over a gorgeos brunette. So he’s moved on. Clarke discussed this a lot with her therapist. That the chances were at 99.9% that he has moved on with someone else after all this time. Eitherway she isn’t prepared to see it first hand.

“The women you’re looking at is Echo by the way. They’ve been dating for a few years now.” Murphy supplies her with the information that slowly sinks in. A few years. Two? Five? Or even more? Clarke doesn’t even want to think about it. Sure it’s not like she didn’t try the dating thing herself but after being cheated on by that bastard Finn she just had no motivation to try again. Bellamys shadow always howering above her. No one could reach him or the love they shared. Everyone else paled in comparison to him. Clarke knows well enough that this spiral she’s slipping in right now won’t help her at all.  
  
“Uh Murphy? Can I get another drink?” He just nodds but looks at her worried again whilst pouring her drink.

“So you’re back huh?” Clarke almost jumps up from her chair as she hears Bellamys voice right beside her. He has an unreadable expression on his face and he’s avoiding looking into her eyes. She takes a moment to take his appearance in. He’s aged but so has she. The crinkles by his eyes are deeper and he’s sporting a beard. His dark curls still as unruly and messy as before.

“Um, I guess so.” She mumbles in response to his question not trusting her voice at all.

“Good. Just wanted to get this out of the way. Enjoy your stay.” With that he stomps off towards his friends again, leaving Clarke dumbfounded at the bar. She turns in her seat and lays her head flat on the bartop. So much for trying to be civil or even apologize. Apparantly Bellamy hates her. And she know’s it is entirely her fault.

“Hey Clarke, do you have a place to stay tonight?” Murphy lays a hand on her shoulder and squeezes it empatheticly.

“I planned on staying with my mum. But after this I’m not so sure anymore.” She munbles into the countertop so she’s sure Murphy doesn’t understand her at all.

“You can stay with me if you want. For the time being until you figure out what you want to do.”

“You would do that?” She looks up at him being so incredibly glad to know someone like John Murphy.

“Sure. I live just a few buildings down the road. You can wait until I close for the night and then we’ll get your suitcases.” Clarke nodds and gives him a thankful smile. She spends the rest of the night at the bar, talking to Murphy and stealing glances of Bellamy and his irresistable handsome face. Clarke knows how pathetic she looks but she can’t change the fact that she still loves Bellamy. Even though it is her fault that their… No. Not today. She is not thinking about this now. She’s spent enough time blaming herself. That pain can wait until tomorrow.

After a few horrible hours Murphy closes the bar and they set off towards her motel room to get her bags. “Wow, Clarke. Have you packed your whole life?” The room is packed full of every possession that is dear to her heart.

“Yeah, I guess so. I did plan on staying for good this time.”

Clarke stays at Murphys for a few days and together they look for a place for her to live. Arkadia is a small town on the East Coast of the US so there aren’t many apartments or small houses open for rent. After a few days Clarke is almost ready to throw in the towel when they find the perfect little house. A beautiful small cottage style home with a cute porch at the front where you can enjoy a drink late at night and look out at the stars. Clarke just jumps right in and rings the owner up and sets the date to move in. She is done with weighing every decision she makes. Always waiting for something bad to happen before she gets the time to live a little. She’s been holding herself back for long enough. Murphy is a little stunned that she pays the first rent upfront the same day. But Clarke makes sure to explain to him, that it’s her time to enjoy life now and this small house was her fresh start.

Three days later they bring all her suitcases to her new home and go shopping for a bed at Ikea. Everything else would have to wait for after the weekend. Murphy leaves at around 10 pm but not without setting a date for them to catch up some more. Clarke is sitting in her empty living room. The wooden floor hard beneath her. During the last decade she’s always used these moments to unwind and ground herself. After a while she grabs her favourite book out of one of her bags, gets a beer and wanders out to the porch. The first thing she’s going to buy on Monday was a porchswing to enjoy the evenings even more. Leaning against the wall she opens her book and begins reading.

Not long after she hears a car drive down the road and pull up at the house across from hers. Maybe she’s going to meet her new neighbor. The moment she sees who steps out of the car the world around her freezes and all colour drains out of her face. Out of the car in a police officer uniform with a bag of chinese takeout in hand steps none other then Bellamy Blake. God does she hope that he doesn’t notice her sitting here and staring like a lunatic. He locks his car and quickly jumps up the stairs to his porch as the door opens and he’s greeted by the pretty brunette from the bar a few days ago. Clarke silently watches the couple kiss hello and go inside. The door closing behind them with a click she could hear from across the street.

Breathing.  
In and out.  
Lights everywhere.

Clarke is having a full blown panic attack with a can of bear clutched in her hand. Her book long forgotten falls from her lap when she leans forward and craddles her head with her hands.

Bellamy lives right across from her.  
The love of her life.  
The fa…  
The one person she couldn’t stop thinking about during all those years.  
The person she let down the most because she was too scared to face him.

Too scared to tell him that she fucked up.

Too scared to tell him that she was the reason their baby is dead.

Because she wasn't good enough.

  
_10 years ago_

_Two lines stared up at her. Two pink lines on that stupid stick she peed on a minute ago. “Oh my god.” They had tried for months. Months of heartbreak all over again because apparently it wasn’t in the cards for them. Months of drifting apart over it. And now when she’s lost all hope those two lines burned themselves into her memory. Her baby. Bellamys baby. She looked up at the clock. It would be another two hours before Bellamy would come home from work. Two hours Clarke couldn’t wait to tell him the news. She wrapped the pregnancy test in a bit of toilet paper and stuffed in her pocket._

_Grabbing her car keys she was out the door and on her way to the station. On her way to her fiance. The last months of pain were forgotten as soon as Clarke saw those lines. She’s becoming a mother and even better she’s going to have a familiy with Bellamy. Turning onto Princeton Road she couldn’t contain the smile on her face. The overwhelming feeling of happyness after those stressfull months._

_The next second something hit her car. The forcefull crash knocking her against the stearing wheel and pushing her car off the road. The next impact knocked Clarke unconcious._

_Burning._  
_Screaming._  
_Was she screaming?_  
_No._  
_Someone else._  
_Smoke everywhere._  
_Filling her lunngs._  
_Pain._  
_Every part of her, every cell screamed in pain._  
_Bright lights._  
_A hospital._  
_Then darkness._

_They told her after. The stress of the car crash led her to have a miscarrige. Their baby was dead. And it was all her fault. Her body betrayed her._

Rationally thinking she knows that it was the drunk driver that pushed her car off the road. The thoughts never stop though. It was her bodys fault for not falling pregnant in the first place. Her fault for ruining it. The universe had a cruel way of telling Clarke that she wasn’t supposed to be a mother. All her fault.

She is broken. She is the reason. She shouldn’t be here anymore.


End file.
